By Karen Schaufeld

I have been reading the back and forth between Susan Patton and her critics about her advice to Princeton
undergraduates that women find their future mates in college. Normally I let this kind of “she said, she said” go by, as I have waved away “the Mommy Wars” and the “Lean-in” crowds.  Truly, any analysis is either too simplistic or too fraught with judgments about how women choose to lead their lives. Through all of these debates, unfortunately, I see women tearing down other women for the choices that are right in their particular lives, instead of focusing on what creates a healthy society and what will support the choices individuals make.

What particularly galls me is how political correctness ends up oppressing women into thinking that getting married to your college sweetheart is an abrogation of a duty to be Superwoman. Clearly, the reason to go to college is not to find your mate, but if that happens, then who am I to judge? Really, that should be celebrated as a joy in that woman’s life. Moreover, what’s wrong with learning and growing together before you are so set in your ways that you care how your spouse squeezes the toothpaste tube? I personally found great joy in struggling alongside my spouse to complete graduate degrees and start a business at a time when I was young, in love, didn’t have a ticking biological clock, and had the optimism, naiveté and energy of youth.

Which leads me to another beef. Why is it that women like to pretend they don’t have some biological differences that dictate some of life’s choices? I don’t pretend I don’t have breasts, so why would I pretend that at age 50 having a child would be either impossible or a bad choice? It is not abnormal to think that a woman’s life might include marriage and child-rearing at an earlier age. Life is short and if I’m going to suck all the juice out of this orange, I might decide that I want my kids out of the house before I’m old and infirm. I might decide that a high-powered job isn’t how I want to spend all my fertile years only to fall into a desperate “time’s running out” marriage where I go through multiple cycles of IVF, which may or not work. That’s hardly a prescription for a great marriage.

Many of the detractors of Ms. Patton also talk about the other necessary qualities of a man besides intellect. Yes, other qualities are important, like humor or a willingness to participate as a parent (if you choose to have kids) or to support a woman’s career goals.  But let’s face it, I’m not going to marry someone dumber than me. At least for me, that would lead to my own insanity. So yes, I do think that intellect is foundational to anyone I would have considered as a mate, and my
chances of meeting someone intellectually equal was greater in college, and that is a no-brainer.

So stop the madness! Let’s embrace the reality that we are sophisticated animals with biological functions and clocks. In the limited time we have on this earth, it would be better to embrace the beauties of finding love where and when it happens.  If it happens in college, that’s great. It is a mistake for any young woman to close herself off from the possibilities of serendipity, opportunity and the stars aligning.

A better discussion for women to have is whether as a society we value the work they do–including the work of raising children well–and how public policy and the men in our lives can help with that goal.